how I feel since the holidays have begun (in case you feel the same here since something else for you has begun maybe)

If I’m honest with you this is how I talk to my brain lately.

« Why do you feel this heavy pain in the chest? You are on holidays for Christ’s sake. »
« Please be stronger than this. »
 » You really need to figure this thing out because it feels like you just want to be in your flat forever and you just can’t. »
« Do you really need that much sleep? What? A nap, AGAIN? »
« People will feel that you are not sincere with them here. They deserve better. »
All these hard and negative messages do not help me to feel better about myself.
I wish I didn’t have anxiety. I wish I didn’t have this (invisible) pain. Nothing is happening and it still lives inside me. Like a nasty bug. It hurts you know. It makes me wanna cry.
I don’t want this.
I don’t want to feel this way.
Why is this happening?
Why do people around me seem to be relaxed and mentally healthy while they have so much more things to do and handle?
How can I get better if meditation, sport, sleep makes me happy but just temporarily?
I don’t want to be bossy to my brain anymore because I don’t think it’s fair.
Giving order, saying what should or shouldn’t be felt is not right.
Would I talk to someone else like I talk to my mind? I don’t think so.
But it’s so heavy sometimes. Seeing my friends is hard. Making a cake is hard. Planning a small trip with my boyfriend is hard. Opening up is hard. Because I think I’m really ashamed of what is going on.
And I’m sad about it.
I would like this to change. But before it changes I need to finally accept and welcome it first. The hardest part.

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