It’s called external validation

    I had this dream where my ex-boss didn’t want to talk to me anymore because someone in the company told her that I was doing drugs (I don’t know where this comes from by anyway my dreams are always quite weird :)). So I was trying to talk to the former boss saying that it was no-sense, I asked who spread this rumor and that it was basically just a bunch of lies. She wouldn’t listen to me. No matter what I did, what I asked, how I defended myself she was simply ignoring me. It was pointless to go on and I felt so bad for something I didn’t do wrong at all.

In the dream it did not occurred to me to drop the thing and just say « You know what, it does not matter what you think anyways » and simply go on with my life.

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I spent my childhood and teenage years looking for other’s to love and accept me. If people considered me as intelligent, that’s what I was feeling too. If people saw me as ugly, I felt ugly because I defined myself all the time throughout their eyes.

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When I was a child, other kids would be really mean to me, saying hurtful things and I would build by identity throughout the words I was hearing about myself (clumsy, ugly, weird, shy, stupid, different). Growing up I had a hard time knowing who I really was because I didn’t allow myself to discover  it myself.

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I didn’t ask mylsef questions like : What do I like? What am I good at? What are my qualities and drawbacks? I was what people thought of me I was. If it was positive it was great if it was negative well, that’s the way it should be, right?

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Sometimes I would feel amazing and if people at school would ignore me I would feel so bad I would cry. If I felt rejection I would tell myself things like « Of course they didn’t want you in their lives, who would, you are so shitty ». (true story)

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Now, even if mean people left my life, something stayed. Something that is accurate for actually and practically everybody. It’s this voice. This mean voice saying things such as  « You are not good enough, you are not strong enough, bright, pretty, cool enough » or « You are too sensitive, too strange, too selfish ».

Yesterday I have decided to give a name to this voice. It’s name is « Doudou ». I wanted to give a cute name because actually it would seem that the only thing that the voice would need to be filled up with is love. Is compassion. Is acceptance. Is letting go. Is Love.

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I am tired to feel bad all the time because of what others could say or feel. If someones does not like me or is upset about something that’s fine. I need only my own acceptation. I am enough. I am good enough and I don’t need to be accepted by others to accept everything about myself, my good sides and my bad sides. I don’t try to be perfect anymore. It’s high time to just be myself and accept that it is enough.

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